"It's not you, it's me" is a valid reason to break up, amirite?

I literally had to do this to break up with someone because I was messed up mentally and couldn't return their feelings, and I didn't want to lead them on. They were an amazing person, they did nothing wrong, but I felt nothing, and it was not fair to them to try to continue.

by Confident_Tennis 1 week ago

Same. Amazing person but at the wrong time. I'll never forget her

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I think people tend to believe it's more of a cop-out reason to break up. The kind one gives when they just don't want to put any effort into the relationship or never actually cared about it in the first place.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Not wanting to put more into a relationship one isn't invested in is still a valid reason to break up though.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

In which case you should tell that. IMO "it's not you, it's me" is only valid if you say what exactly it is.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

saying 'it's not you it's me' is telling that

by Constant-Coat 1 week ago

Seriously

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It's not you, it's me (I'm in a very difficult stage in my life and being in a relationship is not healthy for me right now) Vs It's not you, it me (I really don't care enough about you to try and if I find someone else that sparks a flame I'll try with them immediately)

by Zestyclose-Pound 1 week ago

I'm not sure why the difference matters, if someone doesn't want to be in a relationship for any reason it's valid and the other party needs to respect that

by Agreeable-Election12 1 week ago

Yeah honestly it shouldn't make much of a difference either way, regardless, they don't want to be in a relationship with you

by Anonymous 1 week ago

One stings more :(

by External-Frame-7267 1 week ago

What difference does it make? You can't be in a relationship with that person either way.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

That's what INYIM means!!!! I'M not into this anymore. It's not because of you exactly. It just isn't working.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Yeah, had to hit an otherwise pretty nice if hopelessly needy guy with this bc that's how I felt in the relationship. Broke up with him bc dating felt like a chore or an obligation because he wanted to be on the phone with me every waking hour of my life. Didn't like him enough to keep that up. Also I'm a lesbian. (Did not know that then)

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Doesent make you less of an a-hole for stringing someone along for months. Still better to be honest I think tho

by Braunmanuela 1 week ago

Who said you're stringing them along? Maybe you were interested and something changed. Maybe you just realized over time you aren't compatible. Or something changes in your life that made having a relationship become less of a priority. People are entitled to change their mind. It doesn't mean they were never interested.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

So don't be in a relationship with anyone unless it's to the death?

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Don't be in a relationship with someone you're not invested in…

by Braunmanuela 1 week ago

What if you're invested go begin with, but for whatever reason, that changes over time?

by Dconsidine 1 week ago

It essentially means "I'm not that into you" in which case, you should obviously break up.

by maciegutkowski 1 week ago

Orrrr it could mean I found out my ex is pregnant and keeping it Or my mom died Or I have aids. You don't, you're good. But me? AIDS. Or I'm going to prison. Or I just came into a windfall of money and I know I won't be faithful. Or any other myriad of reasons that I may not want to fully discuss with the person I like but don't feel like I can be with so I'm trying to politely and succinctly say this is a me thing and you didn't do anything wrong.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Projecting?

by Anonymous 1 week ago

On a couple. Guess the right ones and you win a prize. Maybe it's aids

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Here's hoping you're projecting the money ig

by marquise35 1 week ago

Could be all of them

by Anonymous 1 week ago

On her deathbed, mom confessed that she kept in contact with his ex, who got pregnant. After passing, she left him with a sizable inheritance which he spent on coke and hookers, one of whom had AIDs which he unfortunately contracted.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

would that validate "its not you, it's me"? if someone is in a relationship and never puts any effort in, they are the problem.

by Upset-Ask 1 week ago

Likely to not hurt feelings more than they already are.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Or they just don't want to share something much more hurtful.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Wait, there are invalid reasons for breaking up?

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Probably, but they're pretty "edge case" situations. Temporary, medically-induced psychosis is probably one. Or, "I just won the lottery and I'm gonna go spend all this money on hookers and blow, so 'goodbye' partner of 20 years with whom I have 3 children, a mortgage, and an otherwise-good relationship! I'll probably be back after all the money is gone, grovelling, asking forgiveness." is probably another.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't get the "that's not a valid reason to break up" claims. Any reason someone has to break up with another person is a valid reason. Why would you want someone to stay in a relationship with you when they don't want to? Makes no sense to me.

by Either-Staff 1 week ago

Seriously, just sounds like guilt tripping from the other side.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I view people saying that as no different than when people say "if you leave me, I'll kill myself." It's the exact same mentality. It's "what I want is more important and thus must come before or instead of what you want." Extremely toxic. Same with saying people MUST give a reason for breaking up. No. All that needs to be said is "we are breaking up." Vast majority of the time, if you don't know the reason for it, you weren't paying attention during the relationship or are too self-centered to ever understand the issue.

by Either-Staff 1 week ago

1000%, that's exactly what's it's like. So toxic and I don't understand how it's so normalized.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You missed the point. Saying "it's not you it's me" is not accepted because to 99%, people are trying to avoid to say the true reason. When the partner would be perfect, the person would seek for support instead of break up. The sentence implies either "I did not think very deep about it but you are not worth to do so" or "I don't want to say it because I don't want to be the asshole". That's why. If you mean that "I feel like we are not compatible" is a valid reason, then yes. But there is a difference.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

yeah I think there are ways to get across "I have personal reasons but I still think highly of you" without literally saying "it's not you, it's me"

by Anonymous 1 week ago

"It's not you, it's me" is generally a valid reason, but it requires more explanation. It can be as simple as: "When we met 5 years ago, we had similar personalities, values and goals, but now I've changed and you haven't. It's not your fault. It doesn't make you less of a wonderful person. We just aren't in the same place anymore"

by jlockman 1 week ago

I think that may or may not be true depending on the level of relationship. If you have been dating for 2 years, "it's not you, it's me" is a terrible cop-out and I agree with what you said. If you went on 3 dates, not necessarily. Not every brief dating relationship is worth the effort to do deep introspection, nor is it needed. Also, some people coming out of bad relationships, long-term relationships etc might thing they are ready, but upon trying a few dates realize they are not, in which cause "it's not you, it's me" is 100% accurate but they don't owe someone to explain how they just got out of a 10 year relationship that involved addiction or abuse or whatever.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I used this reason when I was breaking up w someone who was an alcoholic, and I didn't really understand at the time that specifically was why I wanted to break up. I had to think about it retrospectively. Just a gut feeling and I'm really glad I did it.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

George Costanza disagrees.

by kadinmosciski 1 week ago

It's what people say to just get out of there using bs and not break the other's feelings. When you follow up with it and actually tell someone what was your fault, then it's more acceptable. If not, "its not you its me" is bs and a easy way out.

by creminarnold 1 week ago

If someone doesn't want to be with me because they just don't feel a connection, I would rather they be honest about it even if it hurts. I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me. I deserve better. It's more merciful to break up than to string someone along.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Sometimes there's no "fault", sometimes people just lose interest. There isn't always some crazy thing that happened to cause a break up. Some couples just grow apart instead of growing together but still wish the best for the other person.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Yea but you should probably tell that to the person you're breaking up with instead if being vague and saying, "its not you its me" without any extra info

by creminarnold 1 week ago

What are you gonna do with that info though?

by wuckertelbert 1 week ago

lol did we date the same guy??? 😂😂 He kept hounding me even after the fact and kept saying "that's not a good reason to break up." Like? This isn't a court of law, I simply do not like you anymore and this is why. You can't argue your way back into a relationship lol, it's done!

by Anonymous 1 week ago

See, this is one of the biggest reasons why people use this line.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

"It's not you, it's me" isn't a reason. It can be part of the explanation of the reason, but isn't a reason in itself. What isn't you?

by Safe_Asparagus693 1 week ago

The person wanting out is the "it isn't you". The breaking up is the "it".

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Like I said, that's not a reason.

by Safe_Asparagus693 1 week ago

It is a reason. Loss of interest is a perfectly valid reason

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I agree that loss of interest is a valid reason. "It's not you, it's me" doesn't indicate this, though. If, instead, you say "I've lost interest in the relationship. It's nothing you've done, it's me" then that is a reason.

by Safe_Asparagus693 1 week ago

Sure, I mean "I don't want to date you anymore" is a valid reason too You don't need a reason to decide you don't want a relationship with someone

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I've never meet or dated a person who said "it's not you, it's me"....and meant it. The whole "it's not you, it's me" phrase is just a control game. You're taking any power your partner has away by saying this is my issue and I choose to go through it alone. This phrase is usually followed by the justification of "they'll be better off without me", which is just making a martyr of yourself. The only time it's acceptable to say this is if you are the problem in the relationship and have been made aware of this and refuse to work on it. However, all of that needs to be communicated to your partner.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

The "better off without me" junk is the worst.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

That one too. If they want to end the relationship they should just say they want to. I hate when they try to tell me how I feel and what I deserve, and twist it and try to make it my idea or act like they're doing me a favor.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

ah yes, of course. when someone dates you, they only get to leave if you say it's okay, gotcha.

by Upset-Ask 1 week ago

I never said you "had" to do these things or act in this manner. However, if you want to have integrity, honesty and empathy, this would be the desired method.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

if someone wants to leave a relationship, it's them, not you.

by Upset-Ask 1 week ago

This! I have PMDD and basically every month I HATE people. I try very hard not to show it, but it makes being with a bf almost impossible. Had a guy friend recently shoot is shot and figured I'd try, but really I just couldn't do it. He was the absolute best and sweetest and most considerate. But 2 weeks of the month I couldn't stand him. Totally completely 100% on me.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It became a meme because it started being used in shows or joke scenes where "it's not you, it's me" is said when it's clearly the other person. Why it was used in joke scenes and shows is because it's funny to be ironic

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I've literally broken up with people because I felt like I was unable to focus on myself and them at the same time. I agree that's it's a valid reason, but I do think a lot of people lie about they break up with others. I always tried to be honest when I was dating. Most of the time I broke up with people because 1. they didn't treat me well, 2. we were not compatible/wanted different things in life. The other reason was that they were taking attention away from me focusing on self improvement.

by Weary_Mobile 1 week ago

Any reason is valid to break up. You're not obligated to stay in a relationship because your reason for wanting to leave isn't "good enough." Your reason could literally just be "I'm bored and don't really want to put any effort in anymore". Sure, you sound like an asshole but it's still a valid reason, much better than pretending to be invested or cheating.

by Nheller 1 week ago

It's because people are always quick to assume otherwise and it triggers any unresolved previous trauma they had. They'll link it to a previous relationship and try and guilt trip you when in reality there are valid reasons why someone just can't

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I don't get the discussion of valid reason or not. Nobody can say your reason isn't good enough so we're not breaking up. If one wants out, the relationship is over regardless of what the other one wants.

by Kaylah25 1 week ago

Seriously all it sounds like to me is guilt tripping.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It really is true sometimes, unfortunately. I found myself saying a very similar thing when I was breaking up with an ex, and having to explain that I just didn't have chemistry for him. It literally wasn't his fault. He felt chemistry for me, but it just wasn't returned unfortunately

by shane47 1 week ago

Yeah. It's literally always true. If you are the one who wants to break up, it is because you do not feel the same about that person anymore.

by Longjumping_Cycle 1 week ago

It's not that it's invalid, it's that it's so vague as to be meaningless.

by Upper-Education 1 week ago

Real

by New_Statement4932 1 week ago

Sometimes it do be that way tho

by CampaignOwn 1 week ago

That's not the reason though it's a vague nod at the reason. If you need a clean break with minimum communication it's perfectly fine. If the care and respect is there to break up face to face and have a conversation then you should probably try to go into more detail.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It's valid, absolutely. It's can also be cliche and can often be used as an excuse to not deal with an issue

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I think there is no invalid reason to break up to be honest. If you want to break up with someone, no matter the reason, you should. Provided you do it as nicely as possible, of course. Actually, maybe that's why people will lie sometimes.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Of course it's valid. You don't need a reason to break up with someone other than you just don't want to be with them anymore. Is it painful? Sure, but you can't spare everybody's feelings 100% of the time.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I mean there's no law that says anybody has to stay with anyone so it's good enough excuses as any.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Laws are not necessarily reflective of ethics or morals. There are many laws that are unethical, and many unethical actions which are not limited by law. How you conduct your personal affairs is a question of your own morals and ethics.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

And 99% of the time is IS the fact that the other person is not "the one". The time is never wrong when it's the right person.

by CommonConfection 1 week ago

I left my ex because it was totally me. My unstable mental health and anxiety around relationships due to trauma. It's a real thing.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Thats my routine!!

by Anonymous 1 week ago

I always say "You can leave if you want. Everyone leaves. I'm giving you an out, here."

by OrganizationDry 1 week ago

This isn't unpopular. Honestly, I think any reason is a good reason to break up, because even if it seems totally innocuous, it boils down to "I just didn't like them that much." You got the ick by the way they laughed and now you want out? You just really didn't like them that much.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Unpopular opinion where???

by Stock-Mind 1 week ago

Yep, last semester I was speaking to a girl for like a month, suddenly I started getting insecure and just feeling depressed, so I talked with her that a relationship was not the best thing at that moment, and everything's cool now, we're still friends and all that

by Such_Glass1239 1 week ago

You've just reminded me of the time in Farscape where a dude was expressing interest in Aeryn and she goes "its not you, its me, I dont like you"

by Anonymous 1 week ago

So is "it's not me, it's you."

by Anonymous 1 week ago

"It's not you, it's me" (who can find no friggin' reason whatsoever to stay with you, hippo/drama queen/boredom orch etc. Etc.)

by Larry91 1 week ago

It's a very convenient lie sometimes. I think that's why people don't like hearing it.

by Jealous-Shift 1 week ago

This is not unpopular. I broke up like that.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

As a lot have mentioned- it's not the saying, it's the execution. Follow that saying up with an explanation- however blunt or harsh it may be, and it's fine. Just saying nothing but that often comes off like a non-answer.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine?!

by jacksonhowe 1 week ago

It's not you, it's me. I don't like you.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It is a cop out. The idea is true. But you are still being purposely vague and avoiding accountability. If that's how you end it, I won't ask any further. Do not expect to have any friendship or communication from me. You will be cut off.

by Ill-Physics 1 week ago

I think the sentiment is more that it's seen as a cop out answer, when there is an actual reason that the break up-er doesn't want to actually say vs not a valid reason whe. It's actually the truth

by SuperbScreen934 1 week ago

They'd rather you cheat, trust me

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It explains nothing though, so the other person is just left confused. So as valid as you may think it is, it's still a cop out.

by katheryn58 1 week ago

I agree. I also think it's totaly acceptable to say "It's not me. It's you." 🤣

by Anonymous 1 week ago

"Yeah, I agree. It's definitely you."

by Lgrant 1 week ago

Literally any reason is a valid reason. As soon as one person isn't in it anymore, for literally any reason, it's a valid reason. We owe someone else exactly nothing of ourselves.

by cade17 1 week ago

I think you are oversimplifying things and context should be considered. I don't think the phrase is as bad as people say but also, on its own, without any further explanation it is a bit too generic and can lead to someone thinking that the person saying it just doesn't want to say the real reason and that the actual reason is something about themselves or something they did or say. I am not saying one has to give a lengthy speech about the why, but I'd rather know the truth than remain with doubts; on the other hand, some people don't want to hear it and, as has happened to me a couple of times, giving an explanation doesn't necessarily mean the other person backs away, they might in fact be even more persistent.

by Jackyfeeney 1 week ago

Any reason to break up is valid. I don't think one really owes the person they're breaking up with anything, that's the point of breaking up. You're not owed a reason, an explanation, nothing, they're breaking up with you, it doesn't matter. I want a reason. I'd like to know. But if someone wants to break up with me that's all there is to it, it's done.

by wuckertelbert 1 week ago

I agree completely when it's honest (though some people seem to use it as an excuse). I've had a relationship with an abusive partner, and many times she begged me to leave her and protect myself after seeing me cry over and over again due to her abusive behaviour. She wasn't being sarcastic or anything. She was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Super sweet and loving one day, terrible and aggressive on another. Jekyll in her hated the Hyde and was basically trying to protect me.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

People are attracted to people they view as valuable. If they don't want to be in a relationship then it's precisely because the other person isn't good enough in their view.

by amanda45 1 week ago

It's an invalid reason when it's a lie to protect the other person's feelings, and that's usually what it is

by Powerful_Yak3894 1 week ago

I think its a valid reason, you just have to expand. I think the reason most people see that as a cop-out is 1)its often used as a cop-out, 2)its overly vague, 3)most people dont relate to that and they would usually have some reason how its not "me" its partially "you", so they have a hard time believing you're different than them.

by Electronic-Stand 1 week ago

It's not a reason, but it can be true, but that in and of itself doesn't really give any important information. But the reason people don't like it is because some people will use it as a way to wiggle out of telling the truth

by Mediocre-Effect1910 1 week ago

There's no wrong reason to break up. The person you break up with for that reason is entitled to be upset and to make a clean cut from you, no contact. That's how I best handle rejection (Thanks for telling me, I want nothing to do with you now, goodbye). But they're not entitled to be cruel, to harass you, or to guilt trip you into staying.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It comes across as I just care so little about this relationship that I can't be arsed to explain. It's a cop out and a total cliche

by Anonymous 1 week ago

Any reason is a valid reason. Did you mean to say that reason doesn't make them an asshole? A lot of reasons people cite when rejecting others are straight up mean spirited.

by Pabernathy 1 week ago

It's cliche and overused is why. It's viewed as a cop out general excuse for breaking up without providing context or meaningful reasons why. Instead of saying "it's not you, it's me" just explain what about yourself makes the relationship not compatible and break up.

by borerwade 1 week ago

It's more because they don't actually want to tell the person the real reason. Like It's definitely you boo, but you don't want to say you cheated or that you find their snoring annoying 🤣🤣 so technically it is valid but it leaves unanswered questions

by caitlyn79 1 week ago

If the person of their dreams came along, would they still not able to be in a relationship? Doubt it

by Anonymous 1 week ago

If you don't want to be with someone, you shouldn't be with them. Easy. It's not a question of validity. It is, however, a total cop out. You say that because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. The reality is that it's such a cliché that the other person knows it's BS so really you're not doing anything but breaking up for ambiguous reasons

by Anonymous 1 week ago

"It's not you it's me" is a one hundred percent valid reason to break up when it's the truth, the problem is that more often than not that isn't the case. Most often the case is that one person does want to break up for reasons regarding the partner but they don't want to have the hard conversation so they say "it's not you it's me" and then a few weeks later they are dating someone one else. I for one would always rather the truth and have the uncomfortable conversation.

by Beneficial-Way 1 week ago

It's not a valid reason, saying instead, that I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, IS a valid reason.

by Anonymous 1 week ago

It's cheap and trope. Just say you aren't feeling a spark anymore or you want to be single again or attracted to someone else.

by Remarkable-Owl 1 week ago

Sure, it's valid. It's just also kind of pathetic though, because it usually comes after treating another human being terribly. It's not enough to apologize. You have to be better and do better

by Anonymous 1 week ago